


108 days

by apicturewithasmile



Category: Bocke - Fandom, Lost
Genre: Domestic, Domestic Fluff, M/M, Suburban AU, angst caused by bunny trouble, but nothing explicit, mentions of death of an animal, somewhere along the line sex happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 06:35:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6645364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apicturewithasmile/pseuds/apicturewithasmile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben and his adoptive daughter Alex live in a nice [read: boring] little suburban town. When their new neighbour John Locke moves in next door it doesn't take long until Ben falls madly in love. Meanwhile he and Alex don't go along as well as they used to but with some help and good advice from John they manage to overcome their problems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 1: Neighbours

**Author's Note:**

> I originally planned for this to be a total AU and even though the general atmosphere is inspired by the sideway flashes, this story was not supposed to be connected to canon in any way. But I came up with a headcanon in which the sideways start all over again for Ben when everyone else moved on. In order to eventually be able to forgive himself and let go he has to live through several sideway versions (Groundhog Day style). If you like, you can consider this fic one of those sideway versions.

“Don’t forget to feed Jacob!”

“What?”

Ben handed her the bowl of leftover vegetables without even looking up from his newspaper. “I said, don’t forget to feed Jacob.”

She took the bowl with an annoyed sigh and the typical attitude of an ever-busy, always-stressed teenager. “You know, it’s _your_ bunny, right?”

“Yes, I know, Alex. Thank you for contributing to this household by carrying a bowl of carrots every once in a while,” he said. Then he put his newspaper down and glanced over the edge of his circular spectacles. “Sorry if this causes you such extreme exhaustion.”

The moment he said it, he felt sorry – genuinely sorry, not in the fake, cynical way he said the word to her just now. What had happened between them to make bickering their daily form of communication? Breakfast used to be their favourite time of day, now she barely said “good morning” before inhaling her cereal and disappearing again to lead her own life in which she’d need his guidance less with each passing day.

“Have a lovely day at school,” he said, hoping it would even out the sarcasm.

“Yeah, sure,” she said and stormed out of the kitchen, only to come back a moment later with something on her face that almost looked like a smile, however reluctant it may have been. Ben couldn’t be sure though, she hardly ever smiled at him these days – it was easy to mistake her pubescent mannerisms for something they were not.

“You have a lovely day, too, dad!” she said, her voice carrying a gentler tone, almost benevolent.

He returned the smile and waved her goodbye, taking another sip of his tea before he’d have to devote his full attention to the exams that needed to be graded. He was a teacher at Alex’s school and even though they managed to avoid each other on campus most of the time, he was still fully aware that the only school day she looked forward to was Friday – his day off.

Alex had only been gone for a minute when the doorbell rang. She must have forgotten her keys, Ben thought. Obviously he was all the more surprised not to look into his daughter’s eyes when he opened the door, but at the washed-out cotton shirt that clearly belonged to someone much taller. He lifted his head and was greeted by a bright smile.

“Hello there,” the man said and took Ben’s hand with a strong but gentle grip. “I’m John. I just moved in next door.”

“Oh. Right!” Ben said, still holding on to John’s hand. “Of course, Mrs. Kwon told me we’d be getting a new neighbour. I didn’t think you’d move in this quickly. Nice to meet you. I’m Benjamin.”

“I think I just met your daughter? She was in a hurry though. No time for a chat.”

“That’s a pretty accurate description of Alex,” Ben replied with a laugh and the kind of eye-roll only parents of adolescent teenagers could perform with this much passion. “Do you want to come in?”

John shook his head. “Actually I was hoping you could lend me a stepladder. I want to paint my bedroom today. The previous tenant used it as a nursery but I’m not very fond of baby blue.”

Ben couldn’t hold back another fit of laughter. That was already more outbursts of positive emotion than he would usually experience in a whole day.

“I might keep the little toy airplane that’s hanging from the ceiling though,” John said.

“Good choice!” Ben had to bite his lips to keep himself from smiling like a lunatic.

“So…” John tilted his head and added a touch of a questioning frown to his look. “The ladder?”

Ben gasped. “Sure. The ladder! It’s in the garage. Let me get the key-” Ben interrupted himself and thought about the ungraded exams on his desk. But it only took him a fraction of a second to decide they had to wait a little longer. “Could you use some help?”

“I wouldn’t say no to that,” John said, seeming pleasantly surprised by this generous offer. “But only if I’m not keeping you from more important stuff.”

“You’re not. Just give me some time to get changed and I’ll be over with some chocolate cookies.”

“Sounds great. Don’t forget the ladder.”

* * *

“What does it say on your overall?” John asked.

Ben looked down at himself and put the paintbrush aside to flatten the patch on his chest with both hands.

John leaned in closer to read the faded company logo, “What’s a _Dharma Initiative_?”

“I have no idea,” Ben said. “I bought this at a garage sale a couple of years ago, thought it might come in handy one day. Turns out I was right, after all.”

“You were. And it suits you quite well,” John said as the colour of his cheeks turned into a pinkish glow that perfectly contrasted the sky-blue walls.

Before he could react Ben had to replay this sentence in his mind a couple of times to be sure that John had really made a compliment on his looks. He couldn’t remember if anyone had ever done that before. A shy “thank you” escaped his lips but he failed to say more than that.

They finished painting the room in an hour. It shined in a fresh white now and smelled of wet paint.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone who manages to stay completely spotless after painting a room,” John said, looking down at his own shirt that was covered in white blots and spatters. “You wasted some good money on that overall.”

“It was only 4 dollars. But you’re right. I guess I’m just a very careful person,” Ben said and before he could react, John had painted a thick stripe of white across the front of his overall.

“Not careful enough!” John chuckled.

Ben opened his mouth in fake shock. “How dare you?”

John’s eyes watered from laughing. “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t resist.”

“I’m gonna make you pay for this!” Ben tried to act angry but he found it just as hilarious as John did.

John pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and handed it over to Ben. “That’s all I got right now.”

Ben couldn’t remember the last time he laughed and enjoyed himself this much. His new neighbour was so delightful and would bring some liveliness to the sometimes so dreary suburban world he lived in. They found themselves sitting cross-legged on the floor when they finally managed to stop laughing.

“I need some water,” Ben said, opening the zipper of his overall to cool down.

“I think I got something better.” John stood up and hastened downstairs. When he came back he was holding a bottle of white wine. “Do you like Sauvignon?”

“I sure do!”

“We gonna have to drink it out of paper cups though,” John said as he opened the bottle.

“I always thought that’s the best way to have it.”

John sat down opposite Ben and put the cups between them to fill them – full to the brim – with wine.

Simultaneously they slurped at their cups, carefully so they wouldn’t drip any of the precious drink, before they could raise their cups and toast the freshly painted room as well as their new friendship.

“Do you and Alex live alone?” John asked.

“Yes. Or, no actually. We have a pet rabbit named Jacob.”

John smiled. “I love bunnies.”

“They’re great animals,” Ben said proudly.

“What about Alex’s mother?”

Ben sighed. He had been asked this question so many times he had gotten weary of it, and he was tired of people praising him for the choice he made sixteen years ago while in truth it hadn’t been a choice at all.

“She’s adopted,” Ben said eventually. “It’s a long story.”

He didn’t want to talk about it but he noticed how John’s eyes got a glassy shimmer. With any other person he would have thought it was just the alcohol but something told him that it wasn’t in John’s case. “Are you okay?”

John swallowed a lump in his throat and nodded eagerly. “Yes. It’s just that I’ve had several foster families when I was a child. Adoption stories always get me. Do you know her biological parents?”

“No. I tried to find them but-” Ben stopped himself there. He didn’t want to tell this story. Not yet. It brought up too many old feelings, despair and exhaustion that were too personal to share with someone who was basically still a stranger.

“I’m sorry. That’s not my business, I shouldn’t have asked,” John said.

“It’s okay,” Ben replied with a wave of his hand.

“Alex is lucky to have you though.”

Ben sighed. “I’m not always sure of that.”

“Why not?”

He told John of how difficult his relationship with Alex had become, that he didn’t know how to talk to her anymore and that he just wanted to be a part of her life but she kept blocking him out.

“She’s sixteen, it’s totally normal for her to behave like that,” John said.

“I know. I just worry about her.”

“That’s normal, too.” John put a comforting hand on Ben’s shoulder, sending a rush of adrenaline through his veins and a smile on his lips.

What was it about this man that caused Ben to open up this quickly? He was not an outgoing person and kept emotions to himself. Alex was the only one who ever saw something other than the professional politeness he acted out in front of their neighbours and his colleagues. John’s presence made him feel comfortable though; maybe he was the friend Ben needed so desperately.


	2. Day 13: Housewarming

Alex had promised her father to stay for at least an hour at their neighbour’s housewarming party. She spent most of the time near the buffet while half the neighbourhood was deeply involved in important adult conversations that she just thought were boring and pretentious.

“You don’t seem too happy.”

“What?” she mumbled as she turned around, trying to hide the fact she had just stuffed half a slice of mango cake in her mouth.

John giggled and reached for a napkin. “There’s some whipped cream on your chin. I guess I can tell Mrs. Nadler that her cake was a success, can’t I?”

Alex nodded, hoping this wouldn’t turn into a forced attempt to socialise as it must have been apparent to everyone how much she would have preferred to do anything else this afternoon.

“When I was your age there would have been a million things more entertaining than spending my afternoon with a bunch of old people,” John said. “Okay, to be honest, there are still a lot of things I consider to be more entertaining.”

“Then why did you organise this party?” Alex asked, pronouncing the word “party” as ironically as possible. Though she still tried to appear indifferent, she liked the way John talked to her. He didn’t seem to treat her like a child unlike many of the other neighbours so she decided to give him a chance to prove that he’s not as boring as the rest of them.

“That’s what people do when they move somewhere new, isn’t it?” he said.

She shrugged and scanned the buffet for what she hadn’t tried yet. The pizza rolls looked nice. “I don’t get why anyone would voluntarily move here anyway. It’s so lame.”

He laughed. “Maybe I’m just a lame guy.”

“I don’t think you are,” she replied. “At least not as lame as the people who used to live here before you.”

“Thank you,” he said in a tone that sounded more like a questions than a statement but the smile on his face indicated that he understood where she was coming from. “Tell me something about the people here then.”

She frowned. “What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know. Give me some gossip. Start with him!” he said and subtly pointed across the room.

“Dr. Shephard?” She picked up the paper cup that had her name written on it with black sharpie and filled it with fruit punch. “Some say he’s drinking a bit too much. Probably got that from his dad. He’s living with Miss Austen but you never know – she could also be doing it with Sawyer.”

“Who’s Sawyer?”

“Mr. Ford.”

“Oh. I thought he was living with Dr. Burke?”

“Yeah… it’s complicated,” Alex said and downed the punch despite it being much too sweet.

“Sounds like it,” John said and helped himself to a piece of mango cake before nothing would be left of it. “And who’s the lamest of them all?”

She scoffed. “Probably the guy in the grey woolly sweater who’s been sipping at the same cup of cold coffee for an hour because he’s just too polite to get rid of it.”

John followed her line of sight to the other corner of the room. “That’s your dad.”

“I know. He hates coffee.”


	3. Day 21: Bunny Talk

On the first day of spring Ben took Jacob on a bunny leash and let him hop around the front garden. He loved watching the little ears bouncing up and down and he felt like Jacob instantly was happier as soon as his paws touched the grass, even though it was still a bit damp in the shade. Jacob would probably end up with muddy feet but Ben didn’t care.

John stepped out of his front door wearing a bathrobe and striped pyjama pants. He picked up his newspaper and waved to Ben. “Good morning,” he said.

“Oh hello there,” Ben replied. “It is a _great_ morning.”

“Seems like Jacob’s enjoying the nice weather, too,” John said and walked over, leaning against the wooden fence that separated the two gardens. “I’ll be honest with you, I think he’s the fluffiest rabbit I have ever seen. Look at those floppy ears.”

Ben smiled at this compliment. It made him proud that John seemed to like Jacob.

“Do you want to hold him?” Ben asked.

“Would he let me?”

“Of course.” Ben picked Jacob up and handed him over to John. “I think he likes you,” he said as John let his fingers run through the white fur.

“Did you ever think about getting a mate for him?” John asked.

“Oh, when I got him from the animal shelter I also took his brother. He was just as cuddly as Jacob except his fur was black. But he didn’t adjust to his new home and refused to eat. He died before we even agreed on a name for him.”

John frowned. “That’s so sad.”

“I know. After that I didn’t want to get a new bunny. It felt like replacing his dead brother.”

“I understand that,” John said and handed Jacob back. “I think he wants to go back to you. If you like I can build him an outdoor hutch. I still have some spare planks and boards in the garage. We’d only have to buy some chicken wire.”

Ben didn’t know how to respond to so much kindness and looked at John in speechlessness.

“Do you think Jacob would like that?” John asked.

“I’m sure he would,” Ben replied. “But that’s really too much work to ask of you.”

“It’s not. And you didn’t ask for it, I offered it. As a little thank-you for helping me with the bedroom.”

“I thought the wine was the thank-you.”

John laughed. “That doesn’t count! I drank half of it myself.”

“Alright then,” Ben said. “But we build it together.”


	4. Day 38: Family Ties

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” she yelled at him. Her face was red with anger and she could feel her heart beat in her throat. It made her mad how he always wanted to know everything about her. She felt like she was suffocating; that there was no place she could hide. Even though she went through a lot of effort to avoid him at school, he still saw her with Karl. And now he kept asking questions – most of which she didn’t have an answer for even if she wanted to tell him.

“Because you’re my daughter and I worry-”, Ben said but she interrupted him.

“No, I’m not! You’re not my real father, so stop pretending like you care about me and let me live my life!”

She left him standing there fully aware what the glimmer in his eyes and the tremble of his lips were but she ignored that the world was breaking down for him. Nothing would keep her there now, not even his tears. She grabbed her jacket, ran outside and slammed the front door behind her. Only then she realised it was raining but there was no way she’d go back inside to take an umbrella. She looked back at the door which had become a wall that she didn’t know how to tear down ever again, and then she started running.

But she didn’t get far. On the pavement in front of her house she ran into John.

“Whoa, hello there,” he said. “Slow down. Are you alright?”

She tried not to look at him but he had already seen the tears.

“Why don’t you come inside and tell me what’s wrong?”

“You wouldn’t understand,” she mumbled.

“Try me.”

A few minutes later she warmed her hands on the cup of tea that John had made for her.

“So? What happened?” John asked and sat down opposite her.

“We had a fight,” she said, “my father and I.”

“Thought as much. What was it about?”

“He’s just always so nosy, I hate that. He saw me with my boyfriend and now he keeps asking all these questions like if we’re in love and if we’ve been… you know.”

“…intimate?”

“Yeah,” she said hiding her face as deep as possible in the tea cup to cover her blushing cheeks. “It’s none of his business, why does he not understand that?”

“Well, I agree that you should have your privacy, but I’m sure he doesn’t want to take that away from you. He’s just worried because he’s your father.”

She scoffed. “He said the same.” She remembered how hurt he looked before she left. Ten minutes, that’s how long she managed to pretend she didn’t care. Now she began to feel terrible for what she had said and started crying.

“Oh my.” John touched her arm to comfort her. “I’m sure you can talk it over with him, Alex. If you like I can come with you.”

“No, I… I said something very bad, he probably hates me now. I can’t go back there now.”

“Whatever it was, he doesn’t stop being your dad. He’ll always love you and you can fix this.”

She shook her head and gasped for air. “I literally told him that he’s not my real dad.”

John sighed and leaned back in his chair with a quiet laugh.

“What’s so funny about that?” Alex asked.

He rubbed his eyes and shook his head. “Nothing. I just had a little déjà-vu moment.”

Alex’s eyes asked the obvious question before her lips did.

“I grew up with foster parents,” John explained. “More than one set of foster parents actually. I never got adopted. And I did use the ‘you’re not my real parent’-phrase a couple of times. It seems like a weapon at first to hurt those who hurt you, but really it just becomes a protective mechanism. Because if you don’t accept someone as your parent then it doesn’t hurt as much if they put you back in an orphanage or in the hands of another couple.”

Alex used her sleeve to wipe tears off her cheek and put the cup of tea on the coffee table. “But I don’t want to hurt my dad. He always takes care of me and I know that he loves me. I just don’t want him to know everything about me.”

“Do you love him?”

She nodded, eagerly. Of course she did. But he made her so mad sometimes, so angry that she wished she could just hate him. It would make things so much easier.

“Then tell him,” John said. “Everything else is secondary.”

* * *

Ben remembered the day he became a father as if it were yesterday. How could he ever forget the best moment of his life? It might not have felt like that back then – too frightening was the responsibility of fatherhood – but he would never regret making this decision. Never.

He closed the shop at 8pm, it was raining down buckets and he just missed his bus. Of course he had forgotten to bring an umbrella; he was so absent-minded these days. The stress of his upcoming final exam kept him awake at night and there was no time to study during the day for he had to take extra shifts to pay the rent. He didn’t have to look in his wallet to know he couldn’t afford a taxi ride home so he ran.

He was soaked wet and out of breath when he finally arrived at his apartment building. No use wiping the rain off his glasses yet, because it kept seeping from his hair. Taking two steps at a time he ran upstairs. Home, only home, that’s all he wanted. And a warm shower before he had to dive back into his books.

But something was not right. There was a noise. Maybe the neighbour’s cat, he thought. It wasn’t. In front of his apartment door laid something that looked like a pillow or a blanket; a blanket that moved.

Slowly he approached this little mystery and got greeted by bright blue eyes and rosy lips. _Who put a baby on my front step?_ _Should I pick it up?_ He was so afraid he’d break that tiny fragile thing. He’s never held a baby before. After a moment of consideration he kneeled down next to it and cautiously touched the soft cheek with the tip of his finger. It felt cold. He didn’t have to be an expert to know that babies shouldn’t be that cold. God knows how long it had been lying there.

He took a deep breath. And another. Then he picked it up as carefully as possible and took it inside. It started crying instantly. _Oh no. No, don’t cry. Don’t cry_. He wrapped another blanket around it and laid it down on his sofa without ever losing sight of it. _What now?_

He called the only number he knew off the top of his head.

“What’s up?” the man on the other end of the phone said.

“Uncle Horace?” Ben’s voice was shaking just like his hands were; he had trouble holding the phone receiver still.

“Ben? Haven’t heard from you in ages, how are you?”

“Can you come? Please. Quickly. I need help. Please!”

Waiting for Horace were the longest thirty minutes of his life. He prayed for him to drive faster. When eventually he heard the knocking on his door he didn’t feel as relieved as he hoped he would. But nonetheless he was glad not to be alone in this situation anymore.

“It’s been crying ever since I took it inside. I don’t know what to do!”

“How did you get a child, Ben?” Horace asked in a concerned tone.

“It was just there. I don’t know. It was on my doorstep.”

“What?” Horace picked up the baby and held it tightly. It calmed down and stopped crying in his arms as if he knew a magic trick. “Is it a boy or a girl?”

Ben didn’t know. He had been too afraid to look, for he didn’t want to do anything wrong, something that could hurt his baby. _His_ baby?

“Well then let’s see.” Horace put it back on the sofa and unravelled the tiny human. “What’s that?” He held up a letter that had been stuffed between the folds of the blanket.

Ben took it and read it quietly to himself. "S’il vous plaît prenez soin de mon Alexandra. Dîtes lui que sa mère l’aime."

His French wasn’t perfect but enough to understand the rough message. “Her name is Alexandra.”

“Well, that answers my question,” Horace said and tucked her in nicely again.

Then Horace left to buy diapers and a few jars of baby food and formula milk, and Ben was alone again with her. He wanted to hold her but he feared she’d start crying again so he sat beside her on the sofa and caressed her small face and played with the few little curls of fuzzy brown hair on her head.

“Hello, Alexandra.”

She gurgled happily at him. He had never thought he was able to feel as much joy as he did in that moment. She was so innocent and breakable but she seemed to feel safe in his presence and he felt like nothing could ever be as important as her.

“I’m Benjamin. But you can call me Ben. I think you’re gonna stay with me for a little while. To be honest with you, I don’t know much about babies. But don’t worry, uncle Horace will help us,” he said and inspected her miniature hand that firmly held on to his index finger. “Wow, you’re strong, aren’t you? Look, I don’t know why your mommy can’t take care of you, but I will try to find her, okay? Then I can help her maybe so that you can be with her again. I guess until then, I’ll be your daddy.”

* * *

She walked quietly through the house searching for her father. First she went to the kitchen where she last saw him, but he wasn’t there. There was also no sign of him in the living room, but Alex was too anxious to call him. She walked upstairs and saw that the light was turned on in his bedroom. She stood in front of the closed door for a moment before she had the courage to knock.

“Come in,” he said after a few seconds.

She opened the door and saw her father sitting on his bed surrounded by papers, folders, letters – things she had never seen before.

“That’s everything I did to find her,” he said before Alex could ask, “your mother. I asked neighbours, people on the streets and in the shops. I asked everyone if they had seen a woman with a new-born baby. I called up local hospitals and women’s shelters. I called adoption agencies and asked if they’ve been contacted by a French woman. Alex, I tried for years to find your real family. I even talked to the US embassy in France because I thought maybe she went back home and doesn’t have the means to contact us.”

Alex swallowed. She knew he had been trying to find her mother but not how much effort he went through and she had hardly ever asked him about it. He had explained to her that she was adopted when she was only three or four years old. At the age of eleven, when she started asking more questions, he told her _how_ she came into his life. When she started high school, he encouraged her to learn French – and he refreshed his own language skills. She hadn’t thought much about it before but now she realised he had done this to keep her connected to her roots. Even if she might never get to know her mother then at least she would have something in common with her.

“I’m sorry that I failed,” he said after a long pause. “Every time I look at my notes and these documents I think I must have missed something. She must have known me somehow. Why else would she trust me with the most precious little thing in the world?”

Alex sat down next to him on the edge of his bed. “I’m sorry for what I said.”

“I know.”

“I mean it, dad. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Ben nodded. “It’s okay, I know you didn’t, and I want to apologise for prying about your love life. Believe me, I don’t have anything against your boyfriend. How could I? I don’t even know him. But I’d love to know him because–” he shook his head, trying to find the right words, trying to show her that he cared without being overly protective. He knew she had to start living her own life but he wanted so desperately to be a part of it. “I’d love to meet him because if he’s important to you then he’s important to me, too.”

Alex bit her lower lip. She didn’t want to exclude her father from her life, not completely at least, and she tried to understand him and to allow him to take part. “Maybe… we wanted to go to that birthday party tomorrow, maybe he can pick me up here and say hello, would that be okay?”

“Yes. Sure. That would be wonderful,” Ben replied and felt relieved that she was so understanding and forthcoming. “That’s all I asked for. And I promise I won’t embarrass you.”

She smiled and braced herself with a deep breath before wrapping her arms around her father and hugging him – probably for the first time in months.

He was stunned by her embrace but quickly, like an instinct, placed his hand on her back and held her tightly. They both needed that now, perhaps more than ever.

“I love you, dad.”

“I love you, too, Alexandra.”


	5. Day 62: Heartaches and Ice Cream

It was the day he admitted it to himself: He was in love. Not a day went by where he didn’t think of John Locke. He’d make up excuses to see him and had to force himself to survive a day or two without him – he didn’t want to seem desperate or pushy. And most of all he didn’t want to get too entangled in the idea of a possible romance. Too grave was the risk of being rejected.

But once he said it to himself, once the words “I love” danced on his lips he couldn’t stop the avalanche of what was to come. No, he wouldn’t dare to say it to him just yet, maybe never. He had to be sure, completely and undoubtedly sure, that John was feeling the same.

The lovesick high that Ben had been riding on for the first half of the day catapulted him down a rabbit hole full of heartache with full force. He could just feel the despair burning up inside of him out of nothing. One moment he was swimming in sentimentality about that first day in John’s bedroom, how childish they were, giggling until their bellies hurt, drinking too much wine. The next moment his eyes were filled with tears for he convinced himself that John could never possibly reciprocate his feelings.

When he heard the sound of Alex’s keys rattle against the door he wiped the tears from his cheeks and checked his face in the microwave door before putting his glasses back on.

“Dad?”

“I’m in the kitchen,” he called. “You’re home early. Weren’t you supposed to babysit Aaron after school?”

His daughter appeared in the door frame and played with the keys in her hand. “Yes. But he got sick so Claire decided to stay home tonight and take care of him.”

“Oh, no. Will he be okay?” Ben opened the fridge, trying to seem busy, anything to distract from his red eyes. He didn’t want his daughter to see him like this.

“Sure,” she said and took a step towards her father. “What about you though?”

He looked up and put on a fake smile. “What about me?”

“Something’s off, dad. You’re not a good liar.”

He didn’t respond. What could he have told her? Even if she understood, he didn’t want to burden her with his problems. But she kept insisting.

“You know you can tell me, right?” she said sounding more worried than before. “I’m not a child anymore. Is the cancer back?”

“No.” He took a breath and cleared his throat so his voice wouldn’t break. “No, I’m not sick. It’s nothing important. It’s just-” he paused, not sure if he really wanted to say it out loud for he feared that would make him cry again. “It’s just heartache.”

The concern in her face was replaced by sympathy as she picked a spoon from the drawer and a pot of ice cream from the freezer in what seemed like one smooth movement. “Sit. Eat!” she said and handed him the spoon.

He scoffed. “You know that really is a huge cliché.”

“I know, but it also helps.”

He stared at the ice cream in doubt for a moment but then he sat down at the kitchen table and followed his daughter’s advice.

“It’s Mr. Locke, isn’t it?” Alex said.

He let the spoon fall back down into the ice cream pot. “How do you know?”

“It’s just the way you change when he’s around. I’ve never seen you so-” she sighed in search of a fitting word, “-so happy. You are always a bit nervous around him and your eyes get that little sparkle. It’s quite obvious actually.”

“Do you think he knows?”

“I’m not sure. He only knows you that way so he might not notice the difference.”

Ben was silent. He stuffed a huge spoonful of vanilla ice cream in his mouth, hoping it would heal the embarrassment he felt.

“Will you tell him?”

“God, no!” Ben replied.

“I think he likes you. You should give it a try!”

“You think?”

“He said some very nice things about you. And he built you a bunny hutch, no wait, an actual bunny _palace_ out there! I don’t think he did this because he likes Jacob that much. Just ask him over for dinner and see where it’s going. If he doesn’t show any flirty signs you can always brush it off as two neighbours having dinner together – nothing more.”

Ben nibbled on the spoon and contemplated his daughter’s advice. No matter how anxious the idea of inviting John over made him feel, it did make sense what she was saying.

“You know,” he said, “I should be the one giving relationship advice to you. Not the other way round.”

“In case you haven’t noticed yet, we’re weird.”


	6. Day 64: Not a date

He did it, gathered all his courage and invited John over for dinner. Of course he didn’t mention the romantic intent behind the invitation and so it was that John knocked on the door in his usual everyday attire: Jeans, sneakers and a half unbuttoned plaid shirt that revealed a white t-shirt underneath.

Ben on the other hand put a lot more effort into his outfit but still hoped it would seem like he didn’t. He failed. His grey suit and the Bordeaux coloured silk tie were too far from ordinary for Ben, however casual he tried to make it look by wearing his hair in a more tousled fashion. The first thing John said as Ben opened the door for him was “Oh my, are we going to a fancy restaurant or what?”

“What? No. I…” Ben stammered, making up an excuse. “I just hardly ever get a chance to wear this, I thought I might just as well put it on tonight.”

“Okay. I mean, it’s a nice suit. I just feel massively underdressed now.”

“No, don’t worry about it,” Ben said and gestured him towards the dinner table. He had spent a huge part of the day arranging and rearranging the table decoration until Alex told him to just leave it the way it is: A single white candle in the middle of a lace table runner, no flowers. “Flowers look like you’re trying too hard,” Alex had said and now Ben wished she would have stayed long enough to give him fashion advice, too.

“You really put a lot of effort into this, didn’t you?” John asked. “I thought we were just having some mac and cheese and watch a movie.”

Ben tried to distract from his nervousness by taking care of the food. “Just have a seat,” he called from the kitchen. “I’ll be with you in a minute. I hope you like vegetable quiche.”

“I guess I do.”

When Ben came back from the kitchen, his hands protected by bunny-shaped oven mittens and proudly presenting what he had planned to be the starter of a three course menu, John looked at him with a startled face.

“Ben, I might be totally far out with this but I got the weird feeling this is supposed to be a _date_ ,” John said, trying to keep the eye contact but Ben escaped it. “Is it?”

He made several attempts to answer the question until he could say something with a quivering voice. “That depends.”

“On what?”

“On whether you would have said yes if I had had the guts to ask you out on a real date,” Ben replied and glanced sheepishly at John.

John held his breath, stared at the empty plate in front of him as if it held an answer to Ben’s revelation of romantic interest. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m sorry,” Ben muttered. “Don’t worry about it. It’s okay. Let us just… just eat before the quiche gets cold. Just forget about it, okay?”

“No, Ben. I think we should talk about this. Do you have feelings for me?”

Ben could feel his heart cramp in his chest and his lungs hurt with every breath. Why did he have to get himself into this situation? Why did he allow himself to be vulnerable? When he looked at John now he didn’t see the man he was madly in love with but he saw a person who looked back at him with eyes full of pity. Yes, John was sorry for him and he’d never be able to feel the same, Ben was sure of that now.

“No, you got the wrong idea. It’s nothing,” Ben said fully aware that he was less than convincing. His whole body tensed up as he tried to hold back the tears. “Nothing.”

“Do you really want me to stay for dinner?”

Ben bit his lips. He knew that if he opened his mouth to speak he’d start crying so he just shook his head, trying to keep the façade up.  It wasn’t that he didn’t _want_ John to stay, but he just couldn’t. What would they even talk about? There was no way they could ever have the same kind of friendship like they did before tonight. And Ben had to be alone to deal with this, had to cry on his own, had to try to eat on his own and realise that he had lost his appetite on his own. He’d blow the candle out on his own, drink the wine on his own and wash the dishes before he went to bed on his own. There’d be no together. Not with John at least.


	7. Day 107: Bunny Drama

It was another sunny day and Ben felt lonely as ever. When he saw his neighbours in their gardens enjoying the weather it always reminded him of how alone he was. Alex was not home either and the only company Ben had wasn’t even human. He took his bunny out of his hutch in the living room and decided to let him spend some time in the garden. And Ben found it calming to observe Jacob who always seemed to be in his element as soon as his tiny paws touched the grass.

When he put Jacob down inside his outdoor hutch he could hear the phone in the kitchen ring. Quickly Ben ran inside to pick it up – it was only another phone survey that he immediately hung up on. It couldn’t have been more than two minutes that he left Jacob out of his sight but when he came back into the garden the bunny was gone. He had left the hatch open and Jacob must have hopped out of it.

“Jacob?” he shouted. On his knees he examined the hedge, looked at every corner of his garden but there was no sign of the fugitive rabbit.

He was close to panicking when John was suddenly standing in front of him. “Ben? Are you okay? What’s going on?”

“Jacob is gone. I-” he couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. His bunny was in danger just because he wasn’t careful enough for a moment. “I looked everywhere. What if something happens to him?”

“Okay. Calm down,” John said. “I’ll help you, okay? We’ll find him. You look through your garden again and I’ll ask the neighbours if they have seen him. Okay?”

Ben was so shocked that he couldn’t respond.

“Ben!” John held him tightly by his shoulders. “It’ll be fine.”

“Okay. Yes. The garden. I’ll check the garden,” Ben said with a shaking voice, taking a deep breath before leaving John’s comforting touch.

After half an hour John came back from his round through the neighbourhood and sat down on the front porch next to Ben who was crying silently.

“No one has seen him,” John said. “But I told them all to call you in case he appears somewhere.”

Ben nodded slowly. “It’s all my fault.”

“No. Ben, that could have happened to anybody.”

“What if he got run over? Or attacked by another animal? If something happens to Jacob I will never forgive myself.” His voice broke and the last words were hardly audible. He buried his face in his hands and could feel John’s warm hand between his shoulder blades, gently caressing him, offering comfort. Comfort from the person Ben needed so much but couldn’t have. He had never felt so complete yet torn apart at the same time. A part of him hated to be this vulnerable in front of John but there was another stronger part of him that wanted to absorb even the slightest form of affection. He leaned his head against John’s chest and cried loudly, he had to let it all out – not just the pain over losing Jacob but all the sadness he had piled up in the back of his mind. And in the safety of John’s arms he felt like he had permission to let go of it all.

“It’ll be okay,” John whispered. “You’ll be okay.”

As Ben’s sobbing slowly ebbed away the barking of a dog across the street was gradually becoming louder until it eventually caught John’s attention. He let go of Ben and stood up to see what was going on.

“Oh hell,” John said before he ran across the street, leaving a startled Ben behind.

“No. Vincent. Don’t. Vincent! Leave him alone!” John yelled.

Ben could see how John jumped over the Dawson’s fence and gestured the Labrador to stay back, like a lion tamer. With a cautious move he leaned forward and the next thing Ben saw was his bunny safe and unharmed on John’s arm.

A huge smile full of relief played on Ben’s face as he took Jacob and cuddled him gently. “Don’t you ever hop away again. I thought I’d lost you forever,” he said, then raised his head to look at John. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

* * *

“I honestly think I would’ve gone crazy without you,” Ben said as he put Jacob in his hutch and double-checked that it was properly closed. “Actually I still went crazy even with your help.”

John sighed and sat down on the sofa. “I’m glad I could help. To be honest, I was surprised you even let me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I had the feeling you were avoiding me the past few weeks.”

Ben sat down on the sofa as well but not too close to John. There was still a world between them that Ben thought he’d never be able to conquer. Did he try to avoid John? Of course he had. It hurt him too much to see him, to act as if nothing had happened and pretend to just be friends. He had tried it for a few days after their failed dinner date but it would only leave him in pain. He figured he should get used to a life without John because he had lost all hope there’d ever be a life together.

“I missed you,” John added. His voice sounded softer now and less reproachful than before.

Before Ben even had a chance to reply he found himself startled by John’s lips that were suddenly pressed against his. He was paralysed for a moment before he warmed up to the kiss and closed his eyes to fully grasp the sensation.

John moved closer. His fingers found their way from Ben’s arm to his shoulders, leaving behind a trail of gooseflesh that made the hair on Ben’s arms stand up. With his thumb John traced the line of Ben’s collar bone through his cotton shirt. Then he laid his hand in Ben’s neck and pulled him even closer.

Ben hummed appreciatively and parted his lips wide enough to allow John’s tongue to get a taste of his. The more passionate the kiss became the more Ben enjoyed it but he couldn’t help but break their bond again before he’d lose control over himself completely. He just had to know. He couldn’t risk misinterpreting John’s affections because he knew it would break his heart for good if he was being played with.

“How come this sudden change of heart?” he asked. “I thought you didn’t like me that way.”

John smiled. “I never said that. I like you exactly in _that_ way and in so many other ways, too. I just needed some time for myself. But if you want us to slow down, that’s fine.”

A load was taken off Ben’s mind, as if a thousand stones had been lifted from his chest, when he heard John’s answer and looked into his honest eyes. “No, I don’t want to slow down.” He gifted John with a soft kiss on the lips before he let himself be guided by his desire to feel more of the other man. Ben pulled at the front of John’s shirt and at the same time let himself fall back on the sofa so John could lay down on top of him.

The last time Ben had been this close to someone was so long ago that he was afraid he had unlearned how to touch and how to seduce. But John seemed nervous, too. Giggling and blushing like a teenager. Knowing he wasn’t alone in his insecurity calmed Ben a little. He had nothing to worry about and hoped that either John would show him what to do or that they’d find out together.

“Have you done this before?” Ben asked. “With a man, I mean?”

“It’s been a while, but yes. And you?” John murmured as he kissed Ben’s neck and began unbuttoning his shirt.

“No,” Ben whispered. “But I’ve seen some movies,” he added, feeling like he needed to validate his wish to be intimate with John and immediately regretting he had said that.

John laughed as he opened the last button of Ben’s shirt. “Well, I hope you know that real sex is nothing like porn.”

Ben nodded. “I like to think reality’s better.”

“Do you want to find out?”

John’s voice was so different from how it usually sounded. The kindness was still there but subtler. It was overrun by a stronger emotion, a need so heavy it had the power to change the way he talked. Mellower. Sweeter. Sexier. That alone was arousing enough for Ben to lose his mind but the weight of John’s body, the scent of his skin, the increasing friction of John’s erection against his own – all of that left no doubt. Did he want to find out?

“God, yes.”

* * *

Reality turned out to be a lot better even than the best porn Ben had seen. Being with John had been so much gentler than he had thought it would be like. Every touch of his hands, every movement of his body – however fierce and passionate in its intent – had been executed in the most cautious and sensitive way. He never missed an opportunity to reassure himself of Ben’s comfort, be it by careful observation of Ben’s physical reactions or simply by asking him.

After they both came they lay naked and speechless for a while before taking a warm shower together and snuggling back into bed. They talked until long after midnight. About love, faded crushes, families and dreams. Ben told him everything about how he became Alex’s father and John shared a lot about his own childhood. Some tears had to be shed in order to move on, comfort and kisses were shared and eventually they’d both laugh again, dreaming up a future together as if there had never been another path in life than the one they would walk together from now on.

However new and unknown this was for Ben, it felt natural and right and made him forget all the nights he had lain awake agonising over unrequited love. Now he could sleep in the arms of his lover, their bodies entangled in one another, impossible to unwind and never to be separated again.


	8. Day 108: Sunday Morning

“Dad?” Alex carefully knocked on her father’s bedroom door before opening it. He normally didn’t stay in bed that long, not even on a Sunday morning, and she feared he might be coming down with a cold. What she certainly didn’t expect to see was her father fast asleep in their neighbour’s arms.

She closed the door again hoping she didn’t wake them and tiptoed downstairs into the kitchen where she wanted to leave a note for her dad. But that wasn’t necessary anymore.

“Good morning,” Ben said, suddenly standing behind her in his morning gown and a pair of slippers. His hair was ruffled and his glasses sat a little crooked on his nose – a style Alex hardly ever had the chance to see on her father who was usually freshly showered before she even thought about leaving her bed.

She couldn’t help but reply with a big grin. “Dad! I’m sorry I woke you up, I-” she stopped herself and jumped a step forward, falling into the arms of her father who gave her a gentle squeeze. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Thank you,” he said and shyly glanced at the floor with blushing cheeks. “I’m happy, too.”

“Are you guys serious now?” she asked.

“Yes, we are,” John replied, leaning against the door frame in a t-shirt and boxers.

Alex smiled and from the corner of her eyes she could see how her father’s face turned an even brighter red.

“Did you already have breakfast?” Ben asked her. “We could make pancakes.”

“Oh, Karl is about to pick me up any minute. Remember? We wanted to go swimming today.”

Ben’s mouth dropped into a frown. “Of course. Sorry, I forgot.”

“Does Karl not like pancakes?” John asked as he filled the kettle with water to make himself a cup of tea.

Alex shrugged. “No, he does. I think.”

“I’d really like to have breakfast together,” Ben said. “All four of us.”

“I guess we can go swimming an hour later,” she said, knowing it would immediately conjure a smile on her father’s face. Though even when he tried to pout it was visibly difficult for him not to grin like a school boy. Alex loved seeing him like his. She knew he had been lonely for a long time and she was convinced that John was the perfect match for him.

“Great,” Ben said.

“You guys got any milk?” John asked while carefully examining the content of their fridge as if it was just as much his. “Or shall get some from next door?”


End file.
